Bottled emotions, love and letting God.

Being in long distance relationship had put me in a roller coster moments. 

I am the kind of person who always having issue in expressing my true-self. At any point I feel the need of sharing my bottled emotions, I' ll use various kind of indirect ways. I'll create a story about 'someone'. I'll make it as an open not-so-serious question. I'll make it as my past. Whatever it is, I'll try as much as I can not to show what I truly feel inside. 

Maybe I felt that vulnerable is weak. I always looked up to independent lady. Not just that I bottled my negative feeling, I hate being around with someone who has negative vibes, as simple as someone who expressed to me that their food is awful. I just don't like it. This somehow, portrayed me as a 'cool' person. 

But of course, I've gone through struggles differently. I refused to share. I find it difficult for me to open up and discuss about my feeling. I find it difficult for me to get help, to ask for opinion. I'm so used to lead a lone-ranger life as in emotional Lone Ranger. Even though I have pretty awesome companies and circles. I just don't discuss all the emotions, questions that been lingering inside. 

Marriage, it is trust, love and same goals that unite us. But we barely know deeply about each other. I knew it is wrong, but I can't help to wish that he is a mind reader. I still bottled my feelings but this time, being 'the one', I always hope that he can read me. The expectation pilling as time goes by. After a year of marriage I expect we knew each other well. Of course it is irrelevant. Especially due to this COVID-19, being both healthcare worker, we rarely spend time together, let alone to reach a 'mind -reader' level. 

When life hit me, at those hard moments, expectation raised up. Of course, when it didn't go my way, I feel frustrated. I knew, it is a matter of time. It is a matter of good communication. It is no longer me or him, it is us. 

I also knew, that I'm responsible for my happiness. Not others.

This fact, hit me real hard on my face. Never did I realise that my habit of bottling my feelings and thought would affect someone else. Someone near to me. (even though not physically near).

This is part and parcel of life. At the age of 31, I found something new about myself, what are the things I should improve, how to face and embrace this hardship. How to let go expectation and at the same time, to accept me the way I am and make friend with taqdir.

My favourite quote, "Berdamailah dengan takdir."

MiraAj

Limonia

Jumaat 6/11/2020