Bottling up my emotions

I'm in a state of struggling to find my directions. It felt helpless this time.

When you are in the state that you should be contented for all that you have, having this feeling and questions can be depressing. You will blame yourself for being ungrateful servants. I've a stable job, pious circle, supportive family, very kind and selfless husband that any lady could ask for. But question about 'purpose of life', I guess it will never leave me. Of course I can tell you and write down together with quotation and Hadith recitation, but as you grew older, you knew that this is a matter of heart and soul.

It is a matter of trust.

It is a matter of believe.

However it is a serious issue that need your attention. Or else it will lingers while time tick tocking. Without you realise, you've lost it. In your death bed, you'll be among those who wishes to get more time in this dunya.

While scrolling down the YouTube, I found this video in the link.

 6 signs you're bottling up your emotions

It stabbed right into my heart. 

I knew this too shall pass. It is a temporary state. I just don't know how long. But this practice of me, bottling up my emotions have been more than 10 years I think. I used to be a very vocal, out spoken and expressive person. But it slowly changes as I'm adulting.  

My writing today, is not to provide any solution or pretending to have reach a perfect ending. It just me recognising who I am on the daily basis. Learning to cope with my feelings as a way of growing up and maturing. 

To Him, I submitted my trust and believe. He holds my heart that nobody else could, not even myself.

Persoalan

                                                           River Down Below

30 tahun usia berlalu. Terlalu banyak yang aku belajar.

Ketika lebih muda, terlalu banyak persoalan dalam diri. Satu demi satu langkah aku atur untuk mencari jawapan. Aku pasti jawapan paling indah aku temukan saat aku paling rasa bertuhan. Aku fikir ia akan terhenti di situ.

Masa berlalu. Dunia mengasari hati. Hingga aku kembali sarat dengen persoalan. Namun, kini ia berbeza. Setiap persoalan yang aku lemparkan, sudah aku kenal jawapan. Cuma yang aku lupa adalah bagaimana mengatur langkah. 

Kemanisan dahulu sering menyinggah. Namun dunia terlalu kasar. Dadah yang pahit tetap menjadi candu tagih. Begitu dunia aku rasakan. 

Langkah kali ini lebih berat untuk perjalanan yang makin singkat. 

Buat persoalan-persoalan, bukan lagi jawapan yang aku inginkan. Tetapi mengharap seinci kedekatan pada Allah sekalipun harus merangkak dengan kaki yang tempang.

MiraAJ

Limonia 

12 rabiul Awal 1422